The fact that I put this story off for so long shows that there is still work to do. But In his groundbreaking work, Dr. Gabor Maté reveals how suppressing our authentic selves - stuffing down anger, prioritizing others' needs, and wearing "niceness" like armor - often leads to chronic illness. This resonates deeply with my own journey through creativity and healing.
Creativity has always been my lifeline - from painting artwork with Mike on our walls to immersing myself in New York City's art scene. When a playwright noticed a subtle suppression in my artistic expression and lent me "The Artist's Way" at age 24, I couldn't have imagined its lasting impact. Now, with two physical copies and one virtual version, it remains among my most revisited books.
In it, Julia Cameron describes the "virtue trap" through Fred's story - a man criticized for choosing a play over helping someone move. "Can you believe it?" the friend complained. "Fred used to be such a nice guy." The criticism reveals our collective discomfort with those who step out of their assigned helper role. The Bible speaks to this in Galatians 1:10: "If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ." This ancient wisdom cuts to our core: authentic service flows from being true to our calling, not from compulsive people-pleasing.
The end of 2023 and first half of 2024 brought this lesson home hard. My mental health spiraled - fog, sadness, and anxiousness haunted every moment I wasn't focused on work. The most impactful change came from stepping back from relationships that, despite their surface appeal, were quietly dimming my inner light. Some were lovely long-term friendships, others newer connections with incredible chemistry. But they trapped me in constant overthinking: Did I respond fast enough? Did I talk too much or too little? Was I too truthful? Can I trust this person with this information or part of myself? These internal interrogations were exhausting.
This isn't about burning bridges - it's about mindfully shifting priorities. The people I now connect with most deeply are those interested in building, in creativity, in spaces where we can be 100% authentic. I leave their company with no internal dialogue - just things to think about, whether deep, practical, or funny. Just good vibes. No behavior alteration, no holding our tongues, no painting pictures of butterflies when we see nothing but mosquitoes.
I've observed, particularly among older individuals with rich creative lives, that longevity and joy flow from this authenticity. They haven't abandoned service or humility - they've learned to serve from wholeness rather than depletion. Dr. Maté's research suggests this isn't just about emotional health but physical survival. When we chronically suppress our true selves, our bodies protest.
Being truly "kind" means being honest. It means showing up as our whole selves, with our yes's and our no's, our boundaries and our gifts. Only then can we offer the world what we were uniquely created to give.
“Most of our tensions and frustrations stem from compulsive needs to act the role of someone we are not. —János (Hans) Selye, M.D., The Stress of Life”― Gabor Maté, The Myth of Normal: Trauma, Illness, and Healing in a Toxic Culture
Shalom,
Shelby
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